Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”