I know a bad idea when I see one.
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Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
