I know a bad idea when I see one.
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Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
They got Raph!
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?