‘I know a black person’
– White people
You Might Also Like
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
why would tinder want me to say this
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”