‘I know a black person’
– White people
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Windchimes
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
WHY would you be happy about this?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*