Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.