‘I know a black person’
– White people
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Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My what?
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*