‘I know a black person’
– White people
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ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking