I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
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Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I hate when that happens.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.