Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.