I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
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I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
motivation
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.