I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
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are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help