I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
You Might Also Like
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.