I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
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He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.