Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

First I was a pebble..

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.