I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
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Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Good advice.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
is it too early for christmas memes
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”