@SonOfCha

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

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@MoistPork

“He’s a jerk. I’m over him anyway.

(5 minutes later)

Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!”

-Women

@LostFelicia

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

@LeonEarlgrey

This week in Nascar it all comes down to one race…
The Caucasians.

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

@fanofhell

Cop: show us where the hamburgers are, hamburglar
Hamburglar: you’ve got the wrong guy. I steal ham. You’re thinking of hamburgerburglar

@awkwardphilippe

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

@UnFitz

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

@BobScottCPA

Does anyone on here know how to “unhook” Amazon from my Twitter so that I can order things without giving people the idea I am Really bald??