@SonOfCha

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

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@HatfieldAnne

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

@5exyunchained

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

@ObscureGent

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

@juneohara65

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

@TakeForGrantd

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

@KeetPotato

pilot: [via intercom] if you dont shut up back there i will stop this plane
co-pilot: [quieter] wont it fall out the sky
pilot: not now gary

@Jandalize

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

@iwearaonesie

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

@Sickayduh

Me: Did you know that a woman’s voice gets higher when she’s attracted to a man?

Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend

@That_Damn_Duck

Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women