I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
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Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.