I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
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Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.