Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.