i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
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Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay