I know a horrible idea when I see it.
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I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃