I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
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At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.