I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
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“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out
good let them take over I have had enough
