@notmythirdrodeo

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

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@heroinsdemise

Women’s magazines:

20 pages “accept yourself”

40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”

And
Cake recipes..

@ojedge

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

@NorCalBratt

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.

@RxitWounds

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

@cameronmattis

the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large

@BadMikeyBad

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

@EliTerry

WE’RE HERE. WE’RE QUEER. YOU’RE THE MAILMAN. I’M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I’LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.

@stockejock

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”