I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

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I’m not stalking you. I’m getting to know you behind your back.


On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.


PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –



I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.


When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug


me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence


I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.


host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well



host: killer job sammy boy