20 pages “accept yourself”
40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
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Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”
Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.
Dude open the door!
*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
WE’RE HERE. WE’RE QUEER. YOU’RE THE MAILMAN. I’M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I’LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I didn’t have a headache until you pulled your pants down.