@notmythirdrodeo

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

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@CarrieMayhem

I’m not stalking you. I’m getting to know you behind your back.

@BoomBoomBetty

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

@WritePlay

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

@KentWGraham

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

@0000seapea808

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

@FredTaming

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

@BDublicious

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

@Skoog

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy