I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
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The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out