i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
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Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Happy thanksgiving
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Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?