I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
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[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.