I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
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The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind