I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.