I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
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Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree