Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno