I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
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Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch