I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
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I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
This is my brand.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
relationship goals
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it