Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

#SuperBowl

Finally!

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.