Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

cyclists

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.