I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
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Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
lol
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)