I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
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Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was