I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
You Might Also Like
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
