I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
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[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Thinking about a snail with a limp
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Overindulged this afternoon.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.