i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
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Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
Bear knowledge
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom