i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
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who’s gonna tell her?
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
a lot to unpack here
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
💀 😭
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.