Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

Okay this one takes it home

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

having children is a pyramid scheme.

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.