“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
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ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
This sounds bad:
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*