“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
You Might Also Like
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
when unicorns get really drunk
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.