I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
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Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Every work call, he judges.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.