I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
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COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.