I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
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[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Nice try, poison.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.