Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

my professor scared me for a second

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.