Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom