I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
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I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.