I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
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My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?