I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
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I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.