I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
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I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
*updates tinder bio*
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS