Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?