i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
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You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*