Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

Britain be like

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.

Wednesday

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!