“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
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John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Venn
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.