“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
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Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.