I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
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Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.