I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
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Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.