I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
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[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.