Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

The Onion called it…again.

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

[eats all your cotton candy]

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there