I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
You Might Also Like
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Storm Tropical Storm
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*