I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
You Might Also Like
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.