I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
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The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
i made a craigslist ad !
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.