I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
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Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
mandolin: finally a violin for men
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
(True)
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My first son he is wonderful
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work