Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

That 👊

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.