I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
![]()
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real