I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
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I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation