Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away