Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

inside you are two wolves

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy