Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody’s gonna understand

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

😂 amazing answer

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.