I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
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The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.