I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
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My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
What an awful time to have common sense.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again