Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.