I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
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it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I occasionally drink every single night.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
When you’re here for the treats.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars