I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
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Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
