Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?